NESquest #31 - M.U.S.C.L.E.

(M.U.S.C.L.E., October 1986, Bandai)

So far, as it pertains to the first wave of third party offerings, Bandai has shocked me twice. Once with the average, which is of course better than shitty Chubby Cherub and the next being the hidden gem of Ninja Kid. Today's venture into the quest takes us into the second wrestling game to be released that fateful day that the third party doors were blown open, Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking Everywhere or as it's commonly called, M.U.S.C.L.E!

Easily in my top 5 toys from my youth. I would've done some cuh-razzzzy shit for a pack of these I tell ya.

As a younger lad, I can safely say I fucking loved M.U.S.C.L.E. As a hardcore wrestling nutball even then, anything featuring anyone who's goal in life was pinning everyone he saw was gold to me. They presented a nice alternative to the WWF figures at the time, which were so goddamned cumbersome and heavy that you could probably kill an irate bear with them. These were tiny pink (later colored) intergalactic wrestlers who came many to a pack and even had it's own bitchin' belt container to hold your finds in. What I didn't know at the time was that they were based off of a Japanese series named Kinnikuman. Why they didn't dub the cartoon like they did everything else and port it here is beyond me, as it just might have been a hit. I'd bet the farm that wacky wrestlers that look like either a pissed off pyramid or a happy peanut would've gone over huge with the 80's kiddos. Be that as it may, Kinnikuman is still alive and well overseas and the story is still ongoing with an unbelievable sense of continuity for the amount of episodes I'm told.

Can you feel the realism? CAN YOU???

Describing how worthless this game is seems like such a daunting task that the only way I can properly do it justice is to lose my fucking marbles and give my opinion in rhyme:

Translation: Time to bust a freestyle bee-yotch!

The gameplay of M.U.S.C.L.E. blitzes me with cold shivers
There isn't this much useless plastic in the face of Joan Rivers
Tag Team Wrestling may blow hippos, but this is about on par
I could bang my ballbag against the controller and get just as far
Pushing B throws a punch that refuses to hit even once
A causes your wrestlers to leap right past each other like moronic cunts
Is there some strategy somewhere in this disaster I missed?
Or just wait for a random power-up so I can miss it and get pissed?
Oh, if only there was something worthwhile here to shill
But once the power is turned on, it's straight the fuck downhill
Programmers had the sack to give three different rings
Changing the color of the mat won't stop this debacle from happening
So all in all where does M.U.S.C.L.E. truly rank?
I'd rather stick my dick in fresh blood and hop in a shark tank

....yes....a shark tank

THE FINAL VERDICT
2/10 Don't even try it. Don't "game chase" it. Don't buy it. Don't download it. Don't waste the finger energy it would require to hit start. Seriously, if you want to try something new and feel the need to torture yourself, then eat a few tacos laced with shaved glass and wait a few hours. Even that sounds more appealing than another minute of my life spent trying to find words to describe this fucking thing. God knows, I've spent long enough already. It had sequels, making this a rare occasion where I'm going to forego the history and future titles and try and forget any memory of having played this in the first place. You're on your own kids!

I don't really care if the game tarnished your legacy, just PLEASE COME BACK!!!