(Donkey Kong Jr. Math, October 1985, Nintendo)
Well, it was bound to happen. Time to review a stinker. Not just a stinker, mind you, but a post-Taco Bell chased by black coffee with a side of Taco Bell for dessert type of stinker. Light a candle and say a prayer because here is the unwashed skidmark of the Black Box games, Donkey Kong Jr. Math. Heaven help us.
"I can either play this or a math game like it? Kiss my Huggies!"
First, a quick history lesson in what I mean by "Black Box" since there has been a question or two on the definition. The Nintendo Entertainment System launched in small quantities on October 18, 1985 in selected areas of New York City. Due to the video game crash of 1983 (thanks Atari!), noone was willing to entertain the thought of selling home game consoles ever again. Therefore, Nintendo, steadfast in their resolve, changed the name of the Nintendo Family Computer (Famicom) instead to an "entertainment system". How this actually worked when it is obviously a game console, I'll never understand. Anyway, on the day of the initial launch, there were 18 titles ready to go. They all came in a black box and in the lower left hand corner, they were marked with te type of game it was. If you look at the Clu Clu Land and Super Mario boxes in my prior reviews, you'll notice the symbol for the "Action Series" and "Light Gun Series" with Hogan's Alley and so forth. Hence, "Black Box". The NES had a true launch in February of 1986 with more titles and after that is when the third party publishers started releasing games and didn't want to conform to the labels of their games, so the idea was scrapped. Hindsight 20/20, it was a good move, because what the hell could you label something with multiple genres in it like a Battletoads or Guardian Legend? One of the categories was "Education Series" and while it probably had good intentions and may have had some legs in future titles, it only had one game ever attached to it. Why? It sucked so fucking bad that it killed off the idea completely.
"I warned him if he starred in that goddamned math game, I'd disown his ass for Diddy Kong. Junior is dead to me. There is no Junior"
Which brings us to Donkey Kong Jr, Math. Seriously, all I want to type here is what a pile of shit it is, journalistic integrity be damned. But with heavy heart and mind, there is no choice but to roll my sleeves up and stick my hands deep into the doo-doo and pray I come out of it with a filth that can be washed away.
More like calculate how long before this game gets thrown into traffic.
The game sure looks like DK Jr. from the arcades but that's where the similarity ends. There are 3 modes to "play" but the only difference between A and B are that B uses negative numbers. The gist of it is that Papa Kong gives you a number and you have to jump to a vine with a number (you can only hit one at a time), then travel to the mathematic symbol you want, then hop to another number, etc, until you have the total Donkey asks for. Example, Papa gives me the number 77, you have to jump to 9, then the times symbol, then 8, then hop your baby gorilla ass back to the plus sign, then back to the 5 and you "win". That is IT. The game booklet never lets on that it is 2 player only so you have this poor, pathetic looking pink DK Jr. off to the right who dies when you complete a problem. What the shit is that? Be great at math so you can slaughter your own kind ruthlessly? Wait, maybe this game did teach a 1%er a thing or two growing up.
The unnamed pink twin of DK Jr tugs at my heartstrings. Math = genocide
The final game mode makes zero sense from any sane perspective. You choose the type of problem you want to do and then Kong presents you with one. Sort of. To solve it, all you need to do is push a block up past the Nitpickers who never seem to touch you and that's the game! This mode can be beaten within 5 minutes and I cannot for the life of me figure out what it is supposed to accomplish. If I watch numbers be added for me, it will instill a photographic memory strong enough to always remember what these two numbers added up equal to?
No bullshit, this took me about 2 seconds to beat.
THE FINAL VERDICT
1/10 Widely regarded as one of the worst launch titles ever. Probably started out as a decent concept, but something seriously got fucked up in the development process. That or Nintendo had no beta testers at the time because this game just feels rushed and broken. It killed Donkey Kong Jr so dead that the only other appearance he made was in 1992's Super Mario Kart for the SNES. The 1 point is for the decent graphic port but to go higher than that simply isn't possible. The idea was for kids to want to mix games and learning, but who is going to pop this shit in when you have ANY other game laying around? Brain Age this isn't. They couldn't give this craptastic cart away. Now if you'll excuse me, I need a shower. I feel violated having played this...
WHOOHOOO!!! MY FIRST PAYCHECK IN 7 YEARS!!!