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NESquest #34 - Commando

(Commando, November 1986, Capcom)

As a whole, the medium of video games can be responsible for one thing even if many of us are unaware of it and that is the suspension of disbelief. If faced with a swarm of highly trained soliders, could one Altair really take them all out with the fine tuned precision he is known for? That is just one example of hundreds as we all know that video games are an escape but sometimes, we trick ourselves into thinking a game is "realistic" when all it takes is a deep breath and a fraction of brain function to prove ourselves wrong. As a child of the 80's, nothing forced this suspension upon your senses like the good ol' Nintendo Entertainment System did. Case in point is today's title with one super solider's quest to simply blow alot of shit up while taking on an army the size of Australia's population for no apparent reason, Commando!

Did someone drop the ball on one hell of an obvious licensing coup? Methinks yes.

A very influential title that doesn't get it's due, Commando was one of the forefathers for the "run n' gun" genre of games that later spawned such inspired classics as Contra and Gun.Smoke. The gist of Commando is to take control of a solider who after being fucked with one too many times about being named "Super Joe", decides to show the his dicklick heckling comrades what's what. Armed with a machine gun that can apparently form an infinite amount bullets via his special mutant power, Joe is dropped off by a helicopter in the middle of a jungle to save a few hostages from an army of about 300,000. Now I know I normally give this section to game's history and backstory but this game legitimately has no backstory, so I'll roll with bitter nice guy who has been ridden WAY too hard and just wants  to get away from it all by watching fellow human craniums explode. From what I gather via the manual, Super Joe is dumped in the wild to rescue hostages and stop an army from taking over the world. That's it. God bless the 80's.

Sometimes, the game pulls a dick move, like spawning me directly in front of a deadly ditch. Wait...what?

The gameplay is frantic, balls-to-the-wall and most importantly, damned fine fun. Your hands never have time to steer from the controller for even a second or you're pushing up the daisies, which is great for this type of game. The action drives forward at a frenetic pace and more times than not, I had that awesome gamer feeling of panic as I blasted my way through jungle hell at its 8-bit finest. Super Joe's main weapon is akin to having the machine gun in Contra at all times, able to fire in all eight directions and lightning quick controls work wonders when you have bullets trying to seperate you from your senses at every passing moment. I sincerely heart games with a high level of control as when I died, it was usually due to poor judgment or paused for that tenth of a second that I should've been unleashing hell. Joe is also armed with a limited number of grenades which, unlike the trusty SMG, can only be thrown upwards and are tons trickier to get good aim with. More than once, I had the field cleared and my next targets dead in my sights and wound up lobbing a grenade clear over their heads. 

What in the name of the Blue Balls of Arthur happened here?

Levels are split up into a convienient 4 worlds with 4 blocks each. There are no real bosses present but each stage ends with a stream of baddies itching to paint their uniforms red with some perferated Super Joe organs. These sections are far easier than the levels personally because the screen stops and lets you gain your bearings for a moment. Throughout the levels, there are hostages clad in blue who by the magic of a touch, will be free to flee to safety holding a sign giving out bonus points. Again, SERIOUS suspension of disbelief was crucial in our era of gaming folks. If you are a freak at games of this nature like some, you'll enjoy the fact that there is no shortage of hidden bunkers and sewers to find. At one point, in the blink of an eye, I went from trading ammo with the unnamed evil army to finding myself in a room packed with pissed off snakes. I've been told there are glasses that Joe can find to reveal all the secret areas but sadly I never came across them. The graphics can be repetitive but for the most part, you're battling an army in a jungle so the color palette really isn't required to go apeshit is it? The music and effects are neither here or there except for a break in the music where it hits a tiny military style drum number that brings a smile to me everytime it tickles my eardrums. 

Seriously, how awesome would it be if you got a kill in Halo and instead of the death scene, your downed foe ran off-screen with a sign touting your kill count?

THE FINAL VERDICT
7/10 An ambitious title that feels grossly overlooked as one of the pioneers of the genre it helped to elevate. Hectic isn't the word at times and the degree of difficulty can be overwhelming if you're new to this type of fare. As with most of the merciless library of the NES, a little practice and figuring out the timing is the key here if making it to the Engrish section of the game is your final destination. Capcom = too cheap to hire proper translators until the 90's!

Nintendo never could make up their fucking minds on the smoking/religion policy could they?

While alot of gamers, myself included, thought Bionic Commando was a sequel, it was actually a 1991 title named MERCS though Super Joe himself makes cameos throughout the Bionic series. Another title, Wolf of the Battlefield: Commando 3 was released on Xbox Arcade and PSN in 2008 to fair reviews. Turns out our Commando has an actual backstory as well! His real name is Joseph Gibson and his received his moniker by holding the rank of "SUPERvisor, Joint Operations Executive. Neat shit no?

Super Joe in the upcoming Bionic Commando: Rearmed 2. Looks more like Mike Haggar's non-roided up older brother

Wanna see one of the most awesome uses of Engrish ever? Feast your eyes upon the ending of Commando. Another notch in my hard motherfuckers beaten belt.

...indeed

NESquest #33 - Ghosts 'N Goblins

(Ghosts 'N Goblins, November 1986, Capcom)

I consider myself a firm believer that once a year, a crack team of sadistic programmers converge into one small room in Japan and collectively decide that they hate gamers passionately and wish to make them suffer. In 1986, this crew of evil, hell-bent geniuses crafted a game that today still haunts those steadfast in their resolve to conquer everything 8-bit. That game was Ghosts N' Goblins.

This was hands down one of the nicest looking cabinets at the time.

Thrust into the world to annihilate unsuspecting gamers around 1985, Ghosts N Goblins was one of Capcom's earliest franchises. For those of you who have possibly spent the last two decades living in an Amish community, Capcom is one of the largest, most revered game companies around whose portfolio includes such household names as Megaman, Street Fighter, and Resident Evil. As with most early arcade games not made by Nintendo, production notes are completely impossible to come by so let's take a brief peek at the founding of Capcom. 

"Everyone who thinks Cloud and Sephiroth have the gnarliest weaponry in gaming has never had THIS shoved up their ass! Spreads as it goes for that extra ouch!"

Founded in 1979 as I.R.M Corporation, coupled with its subsidiary Japan Capsule Computers, the two offices dedicated themselves to the creation of electronic games. Both companies merged to create Sambi Co Ltd in 1982 which was established as the now familiar Capcom one year later. Capcom is short for CAPsule COMputers, which, at the time, was how the company commonly referred to arcade cabinets. Their first offering was a decent little shooter named Vulgus in 1984 and within a year, Capcom was steadily becoming a rising star with their next few arcade offerings, the previously reviewed 1942, the soon to be reviewed Commando, and the merciless son of a goatfuck we take a look at today, Ghosts N Goblins. After porting 1942, Capcom wisely realized that consoles were going to hold a huge place in the future of gaming and never looked back. Now, if they would quit trying to shove hot pokers up gamer's asses these days by sticking tons of DLC on game discs that are already bought, they could probably become as beloved as they once were. Licensing out their top franchises to untested studios like RE: Racoon City and DmC probably didn't help their status in the recent public eye either but I digress.

The first part of the travel where your brain starts to release that "FUCK THIS SHIT" hormone that only certain games can trigger

So, we've ALL heard about how legendary the difficulty on this medieval rescue mission is. The cake is real ladies and germs, as this is as trying of a title as the early days could possibly fathom. Two hits, you're dead, get any weapon other than the knife, you're dead, stand there a second too long, dead, ponder a troubling spot too long without watching the timer, you're fucking dead. Ghosts N Goblins could've just as easily been titled "Watch This Funny Little Fucker Die 10,000 TImes" without any reservation. The elephant balls-toughness of the entire experience is well documented so what else does the game offer? To start, it is one of the most faithful ports ever produced as everything is EXACTLY in its place from the arcade version. Noone moves any slower or faster and the placement of just about every little nuance is presented in nice, vibrant 8-bit awesomeness. The stages are varied enough to keep things intresting but, trust me, unless you're staring down screenshots, you'll never have the time to fully appreciate how nice it looks for such an early title because you're constantly working on that whole not dying thing. Sound ranges from sufficient to some blips and squeals that become unforgivingly annoying at times. To be honest, sometimes the effects could become so grating to my soul that I'd try to haul ass out of an area only to quickly be transformed into a pile of picked clean bones. If this was the intent of the programmers, then they were genius beyond our understanding at the time. If it was by folly, fuck it, it still works. 

Seriously, he looked just a moment away from knowing if the carpet matched her very blue curtains.

The goal here is to have a little ginger knight with a hell of a beard named Arthur rescue the object of his desire, the aptly named Princess..uh..Prin Prin. Prin Prin is kidnapped by Satan himself at the beginning of the game right when some hardcore nookie was about to go down. Don't believe me, look at the screen and tell me Arthur wasn't about 5 seconds from insertion before that damned demon ran off with his slice of ye olde british pie. SO blue balled and rightly pissed the fuck off, Arthur hones his horniness into a rage-filled throwing arm and sets off through six impossible stages to reclaim his priceless cooter. Along the way, he encounters some serious shit like zombies (pre Resident Evil Capcom zombies!), trolls that take as many hits as a boss to kill, and even little versions of Firebrand that will drive the most hardened gamer bonkers. Was Super Meat Boy too easy for you? Dark Souls became your bitch within a few days? Mike Tyson never make it past the first round with you as Little Mac? Then play Ghosts N Goblins while hooked up to a heart and blood pressure monitor to see what we all mean. Stages end with a boss which could either be the "Unicorn" (looks more like a cross between WWF Tag Team Demolition and X-Men villain Wendigo), a dragon that is easier than most, or Satan himself. There are a few weapons at your disposal but if you aren't using the knife, you're wasting time. Speaking of time, the most unfair part of this bastard is the timer you are tasked with beating each level. There will be plenty of times that you'll run that bad boy out simply trying to think of ways to get past whatever puzzle lies ahead of our poor doomed knight. At least there are continues which helps if you have the patience to conquer this beast of burden but it can be like having infinite tries to lift a Mack Truck with your lower lip. Yeah, you can make attempts all day, everyday, but chances are slim and none on the acheivement being met. If you do make it to the ending credits, make sure and attempt human flight and time travel next because those are just as plausible to attain. Don't forget that this migraine inducer also has one of gaming's greatest pranks included as once you think you beat the game, it is revealed to be an illusion devised by Satan and you get to play the entire fothermucker over again. In other words, when you see the final bosses' first incarnation defeated, hide the razor blades kiddies.

This screen was responsible for 92% of gamer suicides in 1986.

THE FINAL VERDICT
8/10 A very ambitious title for its time. The multiple stages and animations were ahead of the curve and no matter if the difficulty was locked onto "Motherfucker!" (the order goes Easy, Normal, Hard, Broken Controller, Motherfucker!) it was fun to play and though people may gripe about it being harder than Grandpa Joe after his first Viagra, everyone knows it and everyone has played it, making it an instant classic. The only things that keep it from obtaining a higher score are the sounds and slow down from time to time which can mean cheap death in a game already stocked to the brim with them.

Funny how this little guy was such a bastard that he got his own series and retains a decent amount of popularity to this day. Isn't it strange how one minute Nintendo was all "NO RELIGIOUS STUFF WHATSOEVER" and the next we had Satan himself in a game and one of his sons, Firebrand, getting his own series?

Since then, Arthur has been no stranger to gaming as the franchise has spawned quite the library of games and spin-offs. Gargoyle's Quest follows Firebrand on his own missions and Maximo for the PS2 is set in the same world. The direct sequels are just as daunting to defeat as the rigid ardousness of the original became a staple of the franchise. Arthur and Firebrand also show up in Marvel vs Capcom 3 with an epic tribute to the first stage of the NES game as one of the backdrops. Anyone with a copy of that Ultimate Ghosts N Goblins for PSP, feel free to e-mail me!

"EXORCISE THE BALLS OF BLUE!!!"

NESquest #32 - 1942

(1942, November 1986, Capcom)

Ever played the classic arcade titles Pirate Ship Higemaru, Sonson, or Vulgus? Ever even fuckin' heard of them? God knows I haven't, but they were the historic inaugural titles of a company that would go on to revolutionize many aspects of the way we play games today. Beloved by gamers worldwide and boasting one of the most loyal fanbases ever, that company is known as Capcom. Today, we journey through their fourth arcade offering released after the nameless wonders above, 1942.

You had to be a MAN to pilot one of these babies!

Set in the Pacific theater of World War II, you play as the creatively named Super Ace, who is apparently the baddest pilot ever to sit in a cockpit as he is sent with zero allies to take out the entire Japanese Air Force en route to Tokyo. Quick question, does anyone out there have a clue why in tarnation it's called a theater? Theaters certainly existed then so what was the connection between a large scale battle and something people were watching Casablanca in? I can't help but get visions of powerful generals eating popcorn and watching warlike shit going down. Anyhoodles, Super Ace, probably named so because no fuckin' way Nintendo was going to promote a game around a famous pilot named Dick Bong (I'm not shitting you, look him up), tears through the skies in a Lockheed P-38 Lightning, which intrestingly enough, was the sole aircraft being produced in the United States during the Second War. 1942 also began the first successful franchise for Capcom, branded the "19xx Series". Now usually, I go into the history of the companies when first reviewing one of their games but Capcom will be delved into later when there is a game with not as much history behind it. Believe me, they deserve their own entry but that's not how we do things 'round these parts.

Well, we can't see his bottom half so perhaps "Commando" is the perfect name?

It would be foolish not to point out that so far, 1942 has the most bizarre manual ever. First off, it has CAPTAIN FUCKING COMMANDO on the cover, looking absolutely nothing like the incarnation we know today.  Apparently, Capcom was going for a style akin to the Black Box games as 1942 is the first of the "Captain Commando Challenge Series". If that wasn't strange enough, the guide is 2 pages of game instructions and five pages of those old memo pages Nintendo used to throw into the manuals. What in the wide wide world of sports would you possibly write in those for a game like this? After "Blow shit up without getting blown up", your pages are pretty much spent. I digress.

It can be really easy to lose the enemy planes when things go green.

From the moment you press start, you know exactly what you're in for. Super Ace and his magical P-38 firing infinite rounds from it's majestic machine guns at anything in his way. Ace controls very smoothly and the shooting is great in that your bullets won't go through anything without it's intended result. There are a few power-ups that are obtained by dropping everything you are doing and firing at red planes if they ever pop up on-screen. My personal favorite being the two little baby Super Ace planes that will join the formation and fight alongside you until they take a hit. Now that I dwell on it, the shooting and the side by side ships have a little bit of a Galaga feel to them, which is never a bad thing. There is a special rolling move that I never messed with because it caused more inadvertent death than the time Paris Hilton swam in Galveston and fish started floating inside a 10 mile radius. Even fried shrimp at Joe's Crab Shack was around $79.99 for awhile because of the shortage we all suffered over it. True story.

Somewhere around the end of stage 8, shit gets real.

The graphics, while bright and vibrant, are responsible for some of the earliest cases of flicker. Flicker for you younger cats out there is when shit just starts disappearing from the screen though the game still thinks it's there. In other words, there will be a death or two caused by the dangerous abrasiveness of air until you blow up that is, revealing the out of time Stealth fighter that just caused your demise and a few curse words. As for the sound, well, I'd like to meet the guy who was in charge of audio for this game, tie him to a chair, and force him to listen to me play this game at full blast until his eyes bleed. The very first time in the quest where it became impossible to deal with, therefore the Japanese had to be killed to a few Kyuss records in the background. Surely I could die easier knowing "Green Machine" was my soundtrack on the way down to the icy waters below. However if you're a sickfuck and would like to give it a shot yourself, just have a buddy, spouse, kid, homeless wino, or anyone just whistle as loud and as obnoxiously as can be mustered directly into your ear the duration of your gaming experience. That is the sound of 1942. The good outweigh the bad however and it isn't hard to turn the volume down and pretend that you are given 2 lives at the start than 3, because one is going down no matter how good you are.

If you liked the original, check out the tremendous remake on Xbox, 1942: Joint Strike.

THE FINAL VERDICT
7/10 A timeless classic and one of those games you can pick up and play at anytime without having to invest alot of time and brain power into. Press start and start sending Japanese fighters to hell while dodging and holding onto a little luck. The fast pace is fairly close to the arcade version but the flicker and sound bogged it down just a tad for me. Still, a 7 isn't a 2 or anything so it's worth checking out and loads of fun for you shooter fans.

ALL HAIL DICK BONG!!!

Beyond The Controller - Retro Gamer Girls

Welcome back cats and kittens! I thought about trying this a long time ago and am now going through with it. Beyond the Controller is going to be a series of interviews with various writers/programmers/fans/youtubers/podcaster/collectors/etc to give everyone a little behind the scenes look at various personalities within the retro gaming community. I have a few of these lined up and it's a project I find exciting, so if you don't like it, eat dookie! And we're off....

Welcome to the first installment of "Beyond The Controller" and thanks for agreeing to be on here! I think a few refusals to my interviewing are due in part to the wonderfully colorful language I like to partake in through my writings but perhaps if those who refused see how subdued I am with these, they may loosen their buttholes and lighten up to where they'll come on. That being said, today we have Zoe and Wanda, collectively known as Retro Gamer Girls. They have a neat little Youtube show and I swear by the fingertips with which Miyamoto drew his first Mario with, if you try their show out, you'll be shocked by how awesome it is only 6 months in. So first question, what led to the creation of the show?

Z- It was Wanda actually. For me it was anyways. I have been carrying my NES games around with me for years but I had lost my old system. She got me one for my birthday. After playing them and then realizing how much fun it could be finding games I’ve never even played I loved the idea. 

W- It was really a combined effort. One day we were talking about it and thought: “hey, would could play games and have fun on camera!” I was crazy nervous because I had never been on camera before (at least not as an adult). Once we made it through the first episode I was like, yeah, I can do this!

So would I be correct in assuming you both have been good friends for a while now? You sure couldn't hate each other and pull this off.

Z- We have been together for 2 years now. We got along from the very beginning and it didn’t take much to see how good we were together with many things. 

W- Yeah, she’s alright ::giggles:: Are you kidding? I love doing the show with Zoe!

The music that kicks off the show is freakin' righteous! Where did you ladies get the track and is it available for download?

Z- I actually wrote that track specifically for the show. I used to be in a rock band and I still have my equipment. It comes in handy when you start other projects. I haven’t actually thought about putting the song up for sale or download. It’s an interesting idea. 

W- Zoe is an amazing musician! When she created the track and I listened to it for the first time I was immediately impressed! It randomly comes on my iTunes and I rock out every time.

I also saw the shout-out to your YouTube Channel (http://www.youtube.com/user/RetroGamerGirls) by none other than Jay of The Game Chasers. Was this a chance meeting and he was cool enough to plug your work on the spot or had you had any correspondence?

Z- We actually have talked more with Billy than Jay. Though I have talked to him a few times when they did their live streams. They are really good guys. When everyone came to Vegas for the Classic Gaming Expo it was pretty much just meeting friends in person for the first time. 8 Bit Eric, NesComplex,  Gamester81 and many others. They have been really nice. I feel kind of bad because I was so in game finding mode I didn’t realize when some of the other youtubers came up. 

W- Jay is an awesome dude; very down to earth and friendly. But like Zoe said, everyone that we met at CGE was very cool.

Back along the lines of The Game Chasers, who else out there are you big fans of and don't miss any of their videos?

Z- I think there were three major influences that I refused to miss a show. One obviously was the Game Chasers. I discovered them after watching the Retro Hunters. I wish they hadn’t retired but I totally understand why they did. The third was Little Miss Gamer. I loved how not like the boys she was and how her reviews seriously reflected her personality as opposed to a character. 

W- I second what Zoe said! 

This one is for Zoe, with your game donations vid, I could feel your pain, as you seemed to initially be squeamish of the thought of doing "pick-up" videos. My site has reviews and nothing in-between whatsoever as I feel the same way and use Facebook for the "filler". My question is how long did you think about filming that one before you did it? Reason I ask is I recently moved and had to publish an "I'm moving" post but must've stared at my screen forever trying to decide on doing it or not. You?

Z-The donations vid was a really hard choice to do. I think the only reason I actually said ok to doing it was the sheer volume of stuff my friend had given me. I am really big on giving respect and credit where it is due. And when he gave it to me I was in awe. It may be the only one I ever do. Who knows. 

Did you both make goals for The Summer Challenge and will there be a follow-up video to it? I'm personally intrigued as to how far you got in Ghosts N' Goblins as that game has the power to make me go from feeling like a great, confident gamer to a monosyllabic, weak mess within an hour.

Z-sadly the summer challenge failed before it started for me. As you saw I had those three games lined up and two-mystery games (aka I hadn’t picked them yet) lol. With almost losing my home then my mom’s heart attack over the summer things got really busy. So sadly I never got to do the challenge. Though I can say I have beaten Bugs Bunny’s Birthday blowout. I really don’t think it’s as bad as people make it out to be. 

W- Wait, there was a summer challenge? ::grin::

So you are both Monster drinkers. What are your favorite flavors and your least favorites? My heart always steers towards the o.g. green can as my fav and the apple/vomit Heavy Metal as the shits.

Z- Actually that was the first time I have had one in ages. I try to avoid heavily caffeinated drinks. I have recently gone on a no dark soda cleansing. The monsters seem to be a necessary evil for the show. We film so late at night they help us keep going. I started drinking it back in the band days. They were a backer for the band and gave us the stuff free so I couldn’t argue. I prefer the light blue low carb ones. I did like the classic green ones but they give me the shakes. Not good. lol

W- As a Red Bull drinker, it wasn’t until I met Zoe that she recommended Monster. I had tried a few different varieties but love the blue one. Wait; does it even have a flavor name? I seriously have to pace myself because I can go from docile to Cornholio in just a few sips!

Have you had talks with some of the other prominent "gamer girls" out there such as Alana (Retrogamergirl) and Heidi (stopxwhispering) and if you have, how are your relations with them?

Z- I have spoken with Alana a few times on youtube. She is really nice. I like her videos on how to repair old games. I have never even thought about doing that kind of stuff so it was interesting to see. Heidi on the other hand I have not met yet. I am sure our paths will cross in time. 

W- I actually haven’t spoken to them yet. I should! Hey girls, if you are reading this, hit me up! 

How long on average from the time you hit record to the time editing is totally wrapped does it take to produce a Retro Gamer Girls video?

Z-It really depends. A basic episode will take maybe 2 or 3 days. The ones where we go to expos and cons clearly take much longer because there is a lot more footage to sift through and place in the show. Not to mention we have a lot more to actually discuss when we film.

W- Zoe is the film and editing brains. I am just there, taking up space! Haha. 

I'd like to applaud you ladies for not falling into what I call the "Let's Play Trap" where the wad is shot in the first video or two so to speak and the rest is two people causally playing games and barely saying anything useful for a hundred 10 minute long videos. It seems like you're staying creative and fun with it so that rules. Now then, what goes into the decision process on what game the focus of a video is? 

Z- It really depends on what is going on at the time. Obviously the first episode was in the heat of the Michael bay/TMNT fiasco. And the Dr. Mario was something fun while we discussed the events of the expo. I think my main intention is to keep it as entertaining as possible both from us and the games. Even if the games aren’t so popular. I think a lot of them get bad reps that they don’t deserve. And I would like to fix that if I could. Otherwise we just plan them out. We have a few upcoming we planned but most of the time it seems to just be what is happening at the time. 

W- I love that we are flexible with the game selection. As for keeping it creative and fun, it helps to throw in some humor and related topics. And sometimes we are totally random and that is definitely part of the fun. We are big on themes and enjoy interesting topics. Gotta keep it fresh!

Do you script anything or just hit record and roll with it? I'd be shocked if it were scripted because judging by the YouTube comments and my own opinion, the conversation flows so organically and smoothly that you're either the greatest actresses the world doesn't know yet or you're unscripted and having a genuinely good time playing. Which is it?

Z- nothing has been scripted as of yet. I would love to do some videos where there is some acting and such. But the reviews are just us sitting real time in front of the TV playing the game. We may have ideas of what we want to talk about but that’s it. 

W- Dude, nothing is scripted! I just get on camera and go for it. Sometimes I am funny (or so they tell me!). Zoe and I feed off of each other and we have a beautiful thing going! 

Any sage advice on those who see your vids and would like to give what you do a shot?

Z-I think the main thing is if you want to do shows like ours you need to stay away from characterizing yourself. Shows like the angry video game nerd and such are great. But if you aren’t careful you will accidentally fall into the realm of acting and being a character. Just be yourself and have fun with it. 

W- I agree! As someone with NO experience in making videos or ‘acting,’ I just jumped in and have given it my best shot. So I would say confidence. If you are confident and positive, your videos will follow suite! Plus it helps to team up with someone who knows all the technical stuff (like Zoe!). She really is the heart of the operation.

And there ya have it, a fun interview with two awesome people within our kooky little world. HUGE thank you to Retro Gamer Girls for taking part in the first, but far from last installment of Beyond The Controller! Make certain to check out their Youtube channel here Retrogamergirl's Youtube Channel and LIKE their Facebook page at RetroGamerGirls on Facebook.

Stay tuned as this week bring the beginning of the Capcom reviews and another entry by A.C. Sativa in the NPC series!

NESquest #31 - M.U.S.C.L.E.

(M.U.S.C.L.E., October 1986, Bandai)

So far, as it pertains to the first wave of third party offerings, Bandai has shocked me twice. Once with the average, which is of course better than shitty Chubby Cherub and the next being the hidden gem of Ninja Kid. Today's venture into the quest takes us into the second wrestling game to be released that fateful day that the third party doors were blown open, Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking Everywhere or as it's commonly called, M.U.S.C.L.E!

Easily in my top 5 toys from my youth. I would've done some cuh-razzzzy shit for a pack of these I tell ya.

As a younger lad, I can safely say I fucking loved M.U.S.C.L.E. As a hardcore wrestling nutball even then, anything featuring anyone who's goal in life was pinning everyone he saw was gold to me. They presented a nice alternative to the WWF figures at the time, which were so goddamned cumbersome and heavy that you could probably kill an irate bear with them. These were tiny pink (later colored) intergalactic wrestlers who came many to a pack and even had it's own bitchin' belt container to hold your finds in. What I didn't know at the time was that they were based off of a Japanese series named Kinnikuman. Why they didn't dub the cartoon like they did everything else and port it here is beyond me, as it just might have been a hit. I'd bet the farm that wacky wrestlers that look like either a pissed off pyramid or a happy peanut would've gone over huge with the 80's kiddos. Be that as it may, Kinnikuman is still alive and well overseas and the story is still ongoing with an unbelievable sense of continuity for the amount of episodes I'm told.

Can you feel the realism? CAN YOU???

Describing how worthless this game is seems like such a daunting task that the only way I can properly do it justice is to lose my fucking marbles and give my opinion in rhyme:

Translation: Time to bust a freestyle bee-yotch!

The gameplay of M.U.S.C.L.E. blitzes me with cold shivers
There isn't this much useless plastic in the face of Joan Rivers
Tag Team Wrestling may blow hippos, but this is about on par
I could bang my ballbag against the controller and get just as far
Pushing B throws a punch that refuses to hit even once
A causes your wrestlers to leap right past each other like moronic cunts
Is there some strategy somewhere in this disaster I missed?
Or just wait for a random power-up so I can miss it and get pissed?
Oh, if only there was something worthwhile here to shill
But once the power is turned on, it's straight the fuck downhill
Programmers had the sack to give three different rings
Changing the color of the mat won't stop this debacle from happening
So all in all where does M.U.S.C.L.E. truly rank?
I'd rather stick my dick in fresh blood and hop in a shark tank

....yes....a shark tank

THE FINAL VERDICT
2/10 Don't even try it. Don't "game chase" it. Don't buy it. Don't download it. Don't waste the finger energy it would require to hit start. Seriously, if you want to try something new and feel the need to torture yourself, then eat a few tacos laced with shaved glass and wait a few hours. Even that sounds more appealing than another minute of my life spent trying to find words to describe this fucking thing. God knows, I've spent long enough already. It had sequels, making this a rare occasion where I'm going to forego the history and future titles and try and forget any memory of having played this in the first place. You're on your own kids!

I don't really care if the game tarnished your legacy, just PLEASE COME BACK!!!

NESquest #30 - Ninja Kid

(Ninja Kid, October 1986, Bandai)

Sometimes seeing the world in only 8 bits can send you into non-sensical bouts of insanity and cause you to stomp on every turtle on the planet with everything you have, sending women and children fleeing in terror. I have also deduced that eating random mushrooms does not make one bigger nor give one another chance at life but rather can make you vomit uncontrollably or yearn to roll in fields of grass whistling "Magic Carpet Ride" for ten hours straight. So I took a SNES break and played some Final Fantasy IV, sue me, it's a great fucking game. Now then, where were we? Ah, another Bandai game which could either be an auto-stinker or pleasantly suprise me a la Chubby Cherub. No way lightning strikes twice so with zero expectations and rolled up sleeves, let's dig into some Ninja Kid! 

:Kitaro translates into "Phu-King Boring"

Another Bandai game based on an anime that flipped the script upon arriving in the U.S., this was originally titled "GeGeGe no Kitaro", based on a one-eyed boy named Kitaro who attempts to keep peace between humans and ghost spirits. He is also 350 years old and has a decaying father but the more we delve into this weird shit, the more off-track we get about the game so suffice to say unlike Q-Taro/Chubby Cherub, this story is going strong to this day through manga and animation and sports more episodes than any anime maniac could digest in one lifetime. All Kintaro references were removed for us on this end and we were given the gift of the most generic of generic names, Ninja Kid! The change is actually welcome as he goes from a bland every kid to a goofy-grinned blue-haired kickass ninja type of fellow. The other changes are minor save for an enemy or two here but the core games remains the same. Could Bandai possibly not suck twice in a row?

Now THAT'S a fucking Ninja Kid!

This game is far deeper than I would've given it credit for. If I was suprised about Chubby Cherub not being a total shitfest, I'm five times as shocked at Ninja Kid. The saga begins on an overworld map where there are three temples you must beat to get to the end of the level where a boss awaits. Sometimes, there will even be a mini-boss ready to send you to ninja hades at the end of the regular stages, giving a true sense of "oh shit!" that alot games of the time tried and failed at. Throughout Ninja Kid, whistles are found that can either have you fight alongside a Pegasus, a huge pissed off eagle, or an old witch who's attack is so strong, I swear I wouldn't be suprised if she was Gandalf's fuck buddy for a century or two. There is a great variety of levels to plow through, so I'll briefly touch on how they work.

Why is it even called Poison Field? 

POISON FIELD - As easy as it sounds, Ninja Kid must collect 10 spirits that float in the air while dodging whatever comes his way. Sounds like a breeze but in later stages when shit explodes into 8 way death flames, it can be one of the most trying of stages.

One of the humongous sub-bosses. Beating these turds takes very precise, sniper-like shots to move on.

GUERILLA WARFARE - Fair enough. The premise is to kill a set number of baddies that try to make life miserable. Most of the time, this is the fastest part of the game to get through as the anti-ninja's out there can't really match firepower so they can be mowed down akin to a small stage of Contra.

Maybe whistling "Magic Carpet Ride" DID work? Kids, do shrooms!

DOG FIGHT - Ninja Kid dresses up like Snoopy and commands a plane that looks alot like the Red Baron's, Just bullshitting. NK hops on a kite and like in Warfare has to take out a set number of antagonists. This is by far the easiest mode to get through as the targets fly by so quick that you can just manuver behind them everytime and gun their nuts off. No fuss, no muss.

It's a Taco Bell fart that gained a soul!

BLAZING INFERNO - This is the motherfucker of the game. There are ten candles scattered throughout the level and the object is to use this tiny flame that follows you wherever you go to light them all. Sometimes, it can be a glorious pain in the ass to dodge shurikens and knives while trying to get the little firey booger to do what you want it to. Like most old games though, once you get the hang of it, it isn't impossible and forces you to keep trying.

A favorite early form of Shangri-La. Out of nowhere, after all the serious death faced, here comes a dude with a guitar firing notes at you.

After these stages are over and done with, sometimes Ninja Kid is whisked away to fight one of the aforementioned sub-bosses. Most of them are cakewalks and don't up the difficulty throught the game like the stages do. All of them take one shot to the weak spot and back to the map you go. When the entire map is clear, it's time to take on the main badass of the game, a Demon Lord named Shangri-La, who takes many forms as you go on. They are varied and keep the challenge new and intriguing throughout as very different strategies are required to defeat the different transformations he goes through. If any of these NES games from '85-'86 was begging for a rewarding ending, it would have to be Ninja Kid. As for the graphics and controls, the sprites are nice and big and the stages have differing motifs to them that look exactly what they were shooting for. One stage looks like a cold, mountainous valley, another gives the warm feel of a sunny, bright springvale, and so on. The mini-bosses are also the biggest to date for the NES which is saying something. The only real negative I can see graphic-wise is with the enemy variation within the levels can be lacking at times but if I'm going to complain about that type of shit in a 1986 game, I'd better start cavetching about all the colors used for Zoomers and Rippers inside of Metroid. The sound, while nothing to hoot and holler about suffices and doesn't really distract to the point of neededing to dive for the mute button. The main song does loop a bit but the stages are over with quickly enough that it wasn't worth marking off for. In all, Ninja Kid is a hell of alot better than I expected it to be and my only true gripe is the lack of an ending. 

Make it past this Stage 6 Assholus Maximus and buy yourself a trophy. Seriously, he is controller replacing hard.

THE FINAL VERDICT
8/10 I just can't look past the scope of what these guys were going for nor fault very much of what they did end up accomplishing. Some people like Coke, some people like Pepsi, some people love Ice Climber, I really liked Ninja Kid. This blew away the first wave of third party games and it is a shame that more people didn't try this involving, challenging, quite fun title. Two Bandai games I thought were going to be the hippo shits have actually suprised me. Maybe the world IS ending soon!

The M 7 on the left side of the screen? Yeah, my trophy is on its way. Good luck making it this far, it gets tougher than old elbow skin.