Side-Quest - Abobo's Big Adventure

(Abobo's Big Adventure, January 2012, I-Mockery/PestoForce/Pox Box)

What better way to spend a lazy afternoon is there than with a labor of love crafted by a team of die hard Nintendo junkies that half the world hasn't played yet and the other half is still picking up pieces of brain matter off the floor after experiencing it? Without a doubt, the greatest homage ever to grace our computer monitors, this "side-quest" isn't just any mission, oh fuck no, THIS is Abobo's Big Adventure.

I would send the cutest kitten ever to grace the planet Earth screaming over the Grand Canyon to have this in my living room. 

Abobo's Big Adventure was first developed as far back as 2002 by I-Mockery founder Roger Barr, a true NEShead in every possible sense of the word. Side-projects and other ventures caused the games production to come to a halt until around 2006 when Barr, “Pestoforce”, and "Pox" restarted the project from scratch, wishing it to feel like more of an 8-bit game than the previous attempt. The team went through the formidable task (I'd know!) of playing through the majority of the NES library and jotting down a mind-staggering amount of characters they felt deserved inclusion in the game from household names like Donkey Kong and Little Mac down to the unsung heroes of the era such as Kid Niki and Clash At Demonhead's Tom Guycott(!). Debuting the first levels at 2009's SDCC, word of mouth of this insane little game-that-could spread like herpes on a batch of Hulkamania "vitamins". After a few years of lugging a custom-made arcade cabinet around the country to keep the momentum going as well as being friendly, approachable dudes, (I'm looking at YOU Phil Fish), Abobo's Big Adventure was unleashed on the world in its flash form on January 11, 2012 and after awhile was available for free download to both PC and Macs. Enough of this chatty shit, let's get to the meaty part of this 8-bit taco shall we?

"You rang?"

Right out of the gate, the title screen clues you in that this is going to be a one-of-a-kind experience starring all our old friends we hold places in our hearts for and have missed over the years. Hearing the familiar Megaman 2 theme as  the screen scrolls up the Statue of Liberty to reveal our hero will cause anyone who lived through the era to wax nostalgic automatically. For the uninitiated, Abobo was the one motherfucker in Double Dragon you did NOT want to run into. There are white, black, and even green varieties of this monstrosity and the only way I could ever figure out how to beat the unholy bastard was by jump kicking him 15 times. Yes, to this day I remember precisely how many boots to the face it took. World 3 of Double Dragon turned many a' boy to man when two of these terrfying stuffed sacks of moustachioed muscle tore through a rock wall and commenced to whoopin' that ass but good.

The precise moment in DD where you realize you're totally fucked.

Upon pressing start, the scenario of the game is presented as only awesome 8-bit storytelling could pull off, a vibrant little cutscene informing us of everything we need to know going in. The offspring of our protagonist, Aboboy has been kidnapped and Abobo is so pissed about it that he annihilates a small kitten before you can even control him. This sets the tone for the copius amounts of blood on top of the dark humor liberally spread throughout this epic journey.

This could be the only mode in the game, and this scene alone would put it near my Games of the Year. I've waited over 20 years to rip this worthless excuse of a fighter to shreds.

Eight levels are present throughout, each a spot-on mock-up of a different retro game filled to the brim with more NES characters than could ever be listed. No matter how obscure and unknown a title, I promise you there is someone from your personal favorite nostalgic little grey cart buried in there somewhere. To mention every single cameo in this game would require a list longer than sports stars that have penetrated Kardashian twat, so suffice it to say, they are here.

If this is surreal enough to make you triple-take it, the ENTIRE game is like this. It's virtually a playable who's who of the 8-bit dynasty.

The graphics are perfectly represent for the games parodied and even more impressive, the controls are DEAD ON. If you replaced the real Balloon Fighter in his original game with Abobo, it would without question feel exactly the same. It is a testament to the passion the development team had for the source material to have emulated it to this degree. Sound effects are just as incredible and sharp-eared retro fanatics will wear a permanent grin at the little touches they put in ranging from Soda Popinski's laughter to the Excitebiker's revving engines. The toughy to rate here is the challenge as it all depends on how much you played the originals they were based on. If you are a Punch-Out enthusiast like myself who has easily thrown down hundreds of hours dodging and counter-punching, the end sequence may not prove so taxing but if you never spent one minute inside Little Mac's shoes back in the day, I can understand why that stage would just destroy any novice with the quickness.

God of War II's Colossus of Rhodes be damned! THIS is the definition of an epic battle!!!

If that wasn't enough to sell anyone reading to download this about five lines ago, Abobo's Big Adventure is the funniest game of its kind you'll ever have the pleasure to play. From getting to seperate the Urban Champion's head from his torso Mortal Kombat style, Amazon of Pro Wrestling fame taunting you Handsome Jack style through an entire level, or the greatest ending scene a game has ever sported, the laugh out loud moments are as non-stop and rapid-fire as Team Abobo could've possibly thrown them in. Cutscenes are hellacious romps through 8-bit memories and it wasn't above the creators to toss a little non-NES humor around as well. They fuckin' owned me with the Johnny 5 is alive line and that's just one of a butt-sack of tremendous gags.

Words escape me for how awesome these non-stop moments become. Even if stricken with Alzheimer's to the point of forgetting my own name, I'm sure I'll be able to recall Abobo vs Donkey Kong.

The crowning achievement of this magnum opus is the replayability. Every new playthrough will come moments that weren't noticed on previous conquerings. I've beaten this more times than Lohan has been in court this year, but never fail to catch new things, For example when playing the real Contra, I avoid the "L" power-up like Perez Hilton avoids pussy, but picked it up accidentally only to find the fucker fired LEMMINGS across the screen. It's those magic moments that make this the cream of the crop and the measuring stick that retro themed titles that followed only wish they could pull off. Medals are even thrown in the mix for the current gen feel of trophies or achievements and getting them all becomes the most exciting war of attrition between you and your PC controller you'll have for a long time. I found this part of the replayability factor so valuable that if Raptr ever synced itself to emulators and needed someone to come up with achievements for every NES title in the library, I wanna be the guy! #seewhatididthere

No pink hoodie bullshit here, Abobo trains like a MAN.

THE FINAL VERDICT
10/10 Don't rub your eyes or rush to come down off of whatever hallucinogen you may have taken this morning with your coffee, that is the fabled perfect score that only Metroid and Super Mario Bros have received since I began reviewing. As a game, Abobo's Big Adventure is nearly perfect. As a love-in for The Big N, it surpasses anything you've ever seen before or since. If you've never taken the time to marvel at this jewel of a game, put down the Blops2, Halo, and Mass Effect for a day and prepare to have your brain blown right through your ass. The bar has been set and it would take a modern day miracle for anyone else to come close. Abobo's Big Adventure deserves to go down as one of the greatest games in any decade, any genre, and on any system.

If you make it to this screen, get your seatbelts locked and prepare for the ride of your fucking life.

Oh, and by the way, if you're light on cash or have no way to the game store, it's FREE!!! NO EXCUSES!!! 

SNESquest - Actraiser

(Actraiser, 1990, Enix)

(My pick for Review A Great Game Day awhile back. Special thanks to Eric Bailey for helping me with the confidence to do it again.)

As much as I cavetch about horrendous games and throw virtual rotten tomatoes ad nauseum, today, I'm going to share with you cats and kittens one of NESquester's favorite titles that I never have had the chance to speak of before, Actraiser.

Many moons before the amalgamation of genres we see today such as Borderlands and Mass Effect, Actraiser was a pioneer in the genre-mashups. One part overhead simulation, one part action game that has made many an expert's hands sweat, Actraiser was one of the earliest SNES titles and being the huge Square & Enix (to the kiddies in school, at one time, they were as different as Microsoft and Sony) fan I was, bought it on a whim and every penny and then some has gotten its mileage.

It is so hard to discuss the magnum opus of Enix action games in short form as there is no doubt this could hit 5 pages before I realize it. What do you wish you know about? The graphics? For 1991 and even quite a bit beyond, from the lush planetscapes, the unforgettable crystal dragon, to the final boss battle, the graphics are flawless. How about the sound? Oh, baby, how about it! This soundtrack is one of the greatest on any system, any year, any day of the week. It legitly sounds as if they snuck a tiny orchestra in each cart, it is THAT tremendous. Is it any fun? Actraiser boasts one of the highest replayability scores in history. Once a year without fail, I strap on my blue winged helmet, grab my trusty heaven sword, and get to whipping on some Tanzra booty. Another wonderful part is between the sim and action sequences, neither of them feels too long so you don't spend the action sequences muttering, "Okay, enough of this crap, time for the sim," and vice versa. Lastly, the story. Magnificent. Your character is basically God (I didn't make the game folks), who brings an angel with him to help make the world a better place for people. The emotional attachments you'll gain for a lost, hungry boy named Teddy and a disease ravaged man you send rain down to "cry for" are moments that will stick with you for a lifetime. The angel communicates and explains to the confused deity as the story goes why the humans are doing certain things and acting certain ways like causing wars and the like. A truly touching and fascinating game from a human emotion perspective and beautifully written.

Actraiser was a spiritual successor to another lauded Enix title, Soul Blazer, which had its own sequels. Actraiser 2 was released a few years later but without the simulation sections and an even more ramped up difficulty, paled in comparison to its original. If you've never played Actraiser, by all means, make it a point to play it at least once and you'll be rewarded with a very challenging, thought-provoking, true gem of a game.

NESquest - Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!!

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NESquest - Elevator Action



(Elevator Action, Taito, August 1987)

BACK. FOR. GOOD.

Have you ever heard whispers of a legendary game out there that you've never played? One day, the moment of truth arrives, you procure a copy of what is sure to be a masterpiece in your collection for years to come, pop that sucker in and get to work. Sometimes, it can be pure magic akin to scoring with that legendary hottest woman in the club. Other times, it can feel something like said hottie in your bed revealing that she has a much larger dick than you do.

 

Originally released by Taito in 1983, the arcade port of Elevator Action didn't hit the Nintendo Entertainment System until August of 1987. The gist of this little gray square of dookie is that a master spy/secret agent/badass named Otto aka Agent 17 must infiltrate 30 floor towers built by rich eccentrics with a penchant for elevators and escalators and grab secret documents while avoiding a ton of Judge Doom lookalikes. For such a master infiltrator, I find it hilarious that we all know his real name in addition to the fact that Otto is the only person in the game not dressed in all black.

What makes this a festivity of feces you may wonder? Let's start with the fact that Taito had two years to master the quirks of NES programming and the absolute best they could muster was a game that harkens back to the Atari 2600 in terms of quality. As all of us fellow retro fanatics are aware of, graphics never make or break the fun and replayability of a game but during a time when gaming was trying to evolve, there was no excuse for the graphics to be this poorly executed in the very same month that saw the debut of Metroid and The Legend of Zelda.

Surely with eye-candy that could be the NES version of "Plan 9 From Outer Space", the controls couldn't be as awful right? Wrong, they are SPECTACULARLY awful. Otto jumps in a motion so choppy that it forced me to recall the days when the internet would stream video via dial-up though Windows Media Player 1.0. As if the poor guy's dignity wasn't already shattered enough, when he does slowly "jump" he throws his ass rather invitingly in the air. Mix that in with the way he vigorously humps the rope as he enters the building and we have ourselves a not-so-subtle cocktail from programmers who may have been more bent on alternate lifestyle humor than, you know, making an actual playyable game to take pride in.

While riding down the abundant elevators and escalators, baddies are trying to make life difficult, but there are a few ways to fight back. A straight out gunfight is preferrable once you get past the idiocy where you can't crouch inside elevators and must press up again to stand if ducking to fire. Other mechanics can be utilized such as trapping them under the elevators (strangely causing them to die Pac-Man style) or shooting a light fixture to land on the enemy's head. No lie, I spent an hour trying to land a light on an antagonist's noggin to no avail, so I wouldn't recommended it. The main goal as you traverse the bizarre buildings is to enter every red door you see and snatch up secret documents. Miss a single briefcase and when you hit the ground floor, the game really sticks it in and breaks it off sans lube by shitting you right back to the very top to go through 8-bit hades all over again.

Enemy A.I. is somewhere between the Keystone Cops and Three Stooges in terms of acumen and the only time they seem to have any wherewithal is if you linger in a stage too long. It would be infinitely more exciting if they started out from the get-go by going batshit as you can go through half the building before seeing that "action" thingy mentioned in the title. Make it to the bottom and Otto rides off in what appears to be a child's first big plastic car and rides off to the next building. We don't even need to go over the sound as there is one song on a 7 second loop the entire time that will make you dive for your My Music folder before sterility kicks in. Effects are just as hideous and are the worst on the NEs since the fabled Action 52 cart. Marvel as your NES spits out bleeps and blips that even our friend the 2600's sound chip would've been embarrassed about.

With such tremendous ports already made for the system such as 1942, Gradius, and Popeye, this felt like an unlicensed cart. Lazy, uninspired, and a mockery of the not-so-bad original arcade game.

Grade: F

(No, I'm not changing the format of the reviews. This is my work from Retrocade Magazine Vol.2, Issue 1 in its unedited full form. Today will be a collection of work done outside the site before the new material drops. I know alot of you haven't seen this and I think it is one of my best so enjoy!)

SIDE-QUEST - The Misadventures of Flink

(Flink, 1994, Psynosis)

Welcome to Bizarro Land ladies and germs! Today we take a giant outside the normal love-in for The Big N and go as far in the other direction as we possibly could go. That's right, I feel like as awkward as a Vogue model inside of a Golden Corral buffet but the challenge was presented to review a Genesis game and I never pass up a challenge. Time to roll up the proverbial sleeves and get cracking with a quirky little gem, The Misadventures of Flink.

PUMBAA STAMPEDE~!~!~!!!

Released in 1994 by Psygnosis(currently SCE Studio Liverpool), Flink was brought to us by the same team that developed the cult hit platformers Wiz 'n' Liz and Lionheart and the influence shows. While the Sega CD version was released worldwide, we in the States never got the Genesis port. It certainly isn't the easiest game to find and a used copy can command up to $60 on Ebay. That being said, let's gather around by the fireplace and go over why my never having played this game is a damned shame shall we?

"I can barely ride a bike and you want me to take on a fucking WIZARD?!?!?!"

After a rather annoying and unskippable intro, the game introduces you to the vibrant world of Imagica, where that Canadian-American Wainwright dude that sings horrible shit like "Going To A Town" and "I Don't Know What It Is" apparently kidnapped four esteemed wizards and trapped them inside crystals strewn across the land. One could sit and ponder how four Gandalf-level badasses were tricked by one skinny singer who left his manhood behind a long time ago into a trap but it won't change the game's storyline whatsoever, so don't waste time. The evil mofo of Imagica is actually named Wicked Wainwright and by capturing the Yodas of the world, broke a seal where evil demons were kept, thus insuring he would have an easier time ruling the land. What he didn't count on was an unassuming apprentice named Flink stepping up and growing a set of truck-sized balls to save the day. Normally, I'd dog the protagonist if he had a bowl cut and looked like the kid from the old television show Eight Is Enough, but the fact that he is a young understudy who has spent most of his life exclusively pouring through magic books and not seeing much of the world, Flink has a bit of a wide-eyed charm to him. The premise is simple enough, release your masters from the crystals and the door to Wainwright's lair opens for a final showdown with evil.

How can I not adore a game where I have to hop onto a dude's exposed brain to beat him?

Now for the meat of the taco, the game itself. It starts as a run of the mill platformer, using the tried and true method of hopping off of the heads of the bad guys to dispose of them. Right off the bat, the presentation of Flink blew me away. The enemy sprites are fantastically large sprites complete with facial expressions and character. The levels themselves I also found spectacular for the time, which leads me to believe Psygnosis was a very graphic driven company. They could've simply thrown grass at the bottom of the forest stage but it comes complete with twigs, leaves, and the feeling of being surrounded by the ambience that comprises a forest. The backdrops as well were not skimped on as you'll find something different everytime you pause to take in the world of Imagica. At one point, I even found a tree in the background with a face, which deserves a gold star in itself. Stages are also tremendously designed as well, from a mine cart section straight out of Indiana Jones to a metaphysical sort of stretch that has to be played to be believed. The music can be repetetive at points but seeing as it is a port of a CD based title I can't give it too much shit with a clear conscience. After a bit, you find that there are quite a few ways to destroy everything in your path as Flink can pick up rocks, treasure chests, and even other enemies and fuck shit up on a fairly large scale with enough practice. No hit point meter or life bar is present so if you get hit, it is akin to Sonic in that your magic will fly out of you to be picked up all over again. Get touched with no magic in your meter and that's a life gone.

Unless you have the memory of an elephant, have yourself some pen and paper handy.

Magic you say? OH, DO I HAVE SOME KICKASS NEWS FOR YOU! For 1994, the use of magic in this game was nothing short of amazing. Don't expect Eye Of The Beholder level shit but for a platformer, it is unbelievable. Thirteen different ingredients are scattered across the land and it is up to Flink to figure out what combinations perform which action. Hint scrolls do a great job of pacing the learning period as you go about your travels so luckily you won't be using hours of trial and error like the alchemy pot in Dragon Quest VIII. A total of ten spells can be created with the results varying from offensive lightning bolts, shrinking, and creating a platform to cross gaps you may spend a few lives trying to jump before figuring out the shit wasn't happening. This was my favorite part of the game bar none as Flink is supposed to be an apprentice and having to learn as you go and really work at figuring out what spells to use in what situation certainly translates a feeling of a kid who may be in over his head magic-wise but by the end of it all, an Omega-level kickass wizard. Another intresting twist is the ability to go back to previous levels with spells you didn't have before and reach critical items that were impossible to obtain before. The only true gripes I have are the learning curve when it comes to jumping on the enemies and the fact that the game is longer than a horse cock with no saves or passwords. What I mean by the jumping mechanics is that when you land a hit on top on an enemy, you'll bounce off him in a manner that if not careful, will send you screaming off a cliff or into an endless chasm, so it takes quite awhile to get the hang of it all and even near the end, I had issues with having the world in the palm of my hand only to bounce like a jackass right into a lava pit.

The "oh shit" look on his face when he first hops in the mine cart was a legit spit-take.

THE FINAL VERDICT
9/10 I was skeptical when given this assignment as any Nintendo based reviewer would be because if I rate it too low, I'm just being a "fanboy" and if I rate it too high, I'm a traitor to The Big N. Plain and simple, I'm a gamer who can appreciate every color of the rainbow and thought Flink was a magnificent title deserving of alot more praise and recognition than it got. Innovative magic system, some of the best graphics of any 16-bit game and a mix of replayability and challenge that kept me coming back for more that a puppy that keeps being kicked away. Flink is the very definition of a hidden gem. 

NPC - A.C.Sativa - Chiller/Baby Boomer & BONUS!

It's time for the review that's always packin' heat (Down where? Down HERE!), the Unlicensed NES Zapper Games!

I'd NEED drugs to witness this scene first-hand. P.S. Yes, I beat this piece of whale nut.

Before I even get started, there's one thing I'm kicking myself over leaving out of the Wally Bear review: There was actually a number you could call that would let you hear about the evils of drugs. 1-800-HI-WALLY. "So what?" you're probably thinking... Well, this number was active until... wait for it... October of 2007! I'm not the first person to review the game and miss that, but I feel REALLY stupid about it, having done tons of research on the game, even calling the number (it's just a busy signal now), and still leaving it out of the review. No matter how many times you proofread something, as soon as it gets online, you just say "Fuck!" 

Break yo'self!

Back to serious business, Mike asked for Chiller, and markusman64ds from the Digital Press forum asked for Baby Boomer, and I figured that since they are the only 2 unlicensed Zapper games I'd just do them together. Plus, markusman gave me the idea that will end this piece, and will hopefully be a regular thing.

"Mommy, what the fuck's an emulator?"

I just want to point out something here real quick: I'm playing these games on Nestopia, by far and away the best NES emulator out there, using the "point-and-shoot" with the mouse instead of the actual Zapper. Even if I had copies of the games, I don't own a TV that works with my Zapper. It's just sitting in a box in my garage thinking "Fuck these new TVs, I still work (Tested him on my buddy's antiquated CRT TV when I bought him), they're the ones that suck…" Mr. Zapper might be lonely, but at least he can say he hasn't totally fucked up his life on coke and heroin like the rest of the 80's child stars. TMZ can suck his dick!

(Chiller, 1990, American Game Cartridges)

CHILLER: As we saw in the Wally Bear review, this was a ported Exidgy arcade game from 1986, released in 1990 for the NES. The arcade game didn't do very well in the U.S., and for good reason. It's without a doubt the most fucked up sadistic violent video game ever, outside of garbage like Super Columbine RPG and that horrible Virginia Tech game, both of which were free-to-download PC games that were created just to piss people off, and hang a digital sign around their creator’s necks saying “I’m a complete piece of shit”. Chiller was created to make money, and when arcade owners saw a game that let people use a gun to blow people away limb by limb and shoot devices like racks and guillotines to torture people they wisely passed. I’m a firm believer in the “If you’re offended, don’t buy it” school of thought, but if I was a parent in 1986 and saw Chiller in my local arcade right next to a few pinball machines, Donkey Kong, Pac-Man, and the rest of the kid-friendly fare I’d be pissed off about it. Shit, imagine playing this in a bar, and then trying to by one of the cute women a drink…Did Mace exist back then? (Yep, sure did). The NES game is pretty faithful to the original, outside of the fact that the levels are reversed (the last level in the arcade version opens the NES version), and some very slight censorship. Almost reverse censorship actually, on the first level (last in the arcade) it was changed from a monk pushing a cart full of body parts to a nun pushing a baby carriage.
The fuck? That’s supposed to be better?

Oh dear, what the COCKSNOT is going on here?

So how does it play? Pretty well, actually. You don’t need a Zapper to play, you can just use a controller, though anyone who has played Lethal Enforcers on the Genesis without the light gun knows how bad that sucks. It’s also a 2 player game, be it 2 Zappers, 2 pads, or one of each. 2 player mode is where this game gets fun. Playing by yourself is boring, but seeing who can get the best score between whoever you’ve sucked into seeing “Saw: The Game” is the way to go, turning it into a social thing instead of a training program to be a future subject of an episode of Criminal Minds. AJ Cook, if you’re reading this, e-mail me! The game plays on one screen at a time with a bunch of shit to shoot, you start off with 15 targets to hit and a bar draining as time passes. If the bar runs out before you get the targets it’s game over. The game is not really about hitting moving objects, but finding what to shoot at, which makes it perfect for the “click-and-shoot” method I’m playing it. The first 2 levels are pretty tame. Level 1 is a graveyard with a bunch of heads on spikes and a half-buried body to shoot off piece by piece, and some hands coming out of the ground, and the aforementioned nun. Level 2 is just a hallway with some ghosts going side to side that you gotta blast. Its levels 3 and 4 (the torture chambers) where it gets really fucked up, with people tied up in racks and other medieval shit, that when shot give you points for ripping their legs off or decapitating them, and then you get points for blowing off what’s left of the individual parts of their bodies one by one. Beat level 4 and you’re back at the start, Donley Kong style, with the shot count upped to 25 Every level has “talismans” that if you hit them all on every level unlocks a bat-shooting bonus stage when you finish level 4. I really can’t describe this horrible shit in words, but it would be totally over the top for a 360/PS3 game, much less a NES game. Seriously, this is some fucked up repugnant shit, and would instantly get the dreaded AO rating if they tried to release it today.

...and people said Sweet Home was fucked up?

OVERALL SCORE: 6/10. Unlike most of the shit I’m going to review here, this is more than playable, and that’s what really matters. If I were to do a list of “Top 10 Unlicensed NES games”; this would be, at worst, the last one to miss the cut. And 2 player mode is pretty fun. BUT, if you really want to play this I’d recommend seeking out the Maxi-15 multicart instead of Chiller. They’re both rare as hell to the tune of about $150, but Maxi-15 has Chiller AND 14 other shitty games.

(Baby Boomer, 1989, Color Dreams)

Baby Boomer: Quick and easy here: It sucks donkey dick, at least from where I’m sitting. Point here is that you have to shoot a bunch of shit that’s in the way of a scrolling baby. My problem with the game is that the “Gun” is REALLY inaccurate, with shots that are clearly hitting the target counting as misses, killing this game right out of the starting gate. On one hand, it might be an emulator problem, though the “Zapper” was working fine for Chiller, Duck Hunt, and everything else I tried it on. On the other hand, this is a Color Dreams game, leading me to believe it just sucks. (I’ll get to that awful company in the next review. Suffice to say, Color Dreams is the reason that you’re seeing “A.C. Sativa” v. “Unlicensed Garbage” on this site). So it very well might just be horrible…

If you think this game is any more than what you see here, you'd be very mistaken.

OVERALL SCORE: 2/10. Kind of call this one incomplete, though I find it hard to believe that this could be anything but total shit, given the people involved with the cart’s production.

Don't shoot the...wait, what???

BONUS PIRATE GAME REVIEW!: TOM AND JERRY 3
Ahh, pirate NES games, the real cream of the crop of total shit. It should be said here that Mike is doing every NOA-approved NES game, and I get everything else. But even I have my limits. “Unlicensed Games” refers to these games: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_nes_games#Unlicensed_games. Not the 110/64-in-1’s, not the Sachen “If Vince Russo booked the NES” games, none of that “Sonic on the NES” shit, and none of this garbage. Why markusman asked for this game, I’ll never know know, and I won’t ask, because when you say “Got any unlicensed crap you want me to take a shot at? Let me know…”, you gotta make good on your word, and just be happy that someone likes your writing enough to bother… So from here on in, there should be a BONUS PIRATE GAME REVIEW! I need a shower, I fucking feel dirty even going this far…

Oh A.C., you had balls of titanium to try this one.

For those who weren’t around during the NES days, it’s not like it is today. Back then you could take trademarked characters that you didn’t have the rights to, and use an Atari ST or a Commodore 64 and actually make video games and sell them. Well, not really sell them here in the U.S. (though pirate games and Hong Kong multicarts did make it stateside in the blackest of black markets. As in you got a 64-in-1 cart with every ounce of weed you bought back then), but they sold like crazy in the Far East, and did really well in South America too.

Tom looks more like one of the Rockin' Kats

\
OVERALL SCORE: 0.5/10. Oh yeah, the game itself? Best thing I can say about it is that it’s not as bad as Action 52. But it’s damn close. Jerry Mouse actually looks like his TV counterpart, and as a huge fan of the TV show that made me smile. Worst thing I can say is that it sucks worse than all the Sachen games put together, and the graphics are barely Atari 7800 quality. It’s almost a rip off of the licensed T&J games, only with the controls shot to hell and the usual “let’s try to do Mega Drive graphics on the Famicom” nastiness that defines the HK bootlegs. Just awful, and a disgrace to the NES.

Well, I'll be a warthog's nutsack, this game had an ending!

NEXT TIME: Bible Games, and what might be the only game worse than Action 52 featured in the BPGR!. After that: one of the BEST unlicensed NES games, and the only pirate game that’s any good. Let me know what’s next in the comments…

Beyond The Controller - She Devil of Ladies 2 Die 4

Welcome to the third installment of "Beyond The Controller". Thanks to Retrogamergirls and Dylan of Questicle for braving the storm so far. Today, I step outside the box a bit and move away from the retro and into the current gen. Let's gather around the campfire kiddies, as today's guest is a member of one of the gnarliest clans around (male or female), everyone give a warm welcome to She Devil of Ladies 2 Die 4!

Welcome to NESquester's own virtual interview couch. Hope the coffee is still warm and the chairs are comfy enough so let's dig right in! First off, today we welcome She Devil of the L2D4 (Ladies 2 Die 4) crew. This is probably as different for me as it is for you as I normally interview retro gamers and people more around my "zone" and you're normally slaughtering everyone who crosses your path at whatever game you are playing. That being said, you ladies piqued my interest as a tight-knit group who has rankings and a chain of command. So naturally my first questions are what is L2D4 about and how long have you been with the clan?

Basically, Ladies 2 Die 4 is an all-female clan pretty much born out of the camaraderie we women have for each other in a male-dominated market. Our mission is to provide a fun and positive drama-free environment to other female gamers while maintaining competitiveness, fairness, and respect online. I, personally, have been with L2D4 since early April of 2012 and am currently a Sergeant.

Are there any of the L2D4 set whose gaming prowess you envy? I read #TheOriginalPSP's bio and found out that he beat Mike Tyson's Punch-Out without getting hit one single time and would never challenge him to a one-on-one. Anyone stand out that way in your opinion?

Most of the L2D4 specialize in FPS, mainly Call of Duty. I think if there was one I had to pick to not mess with, it’d be Queenie and her sniper rifles. I’d hate to be on the other end of her scope. Seriously!

What was your first console and your earliest memories of it?

I have two older brothers, one of which who had an NES but I was pretty young when that was our household console. Since there were 3 of us, we actually had an array of consoles from Nintendo, Sega, and Sony. The Super Nintendo was probably my earliest. I remember Yoshi’s Island and my mom jacking it to play Zelda. My Playstation was my favorite “early” console though to be honest.

I've noticed that you play a little like me in that if we're deepcore into a game, it is either 1000/1000GP or bust. The acheivement I'm proudest of would probably be beating Bioshock on hard. What is an achievement you're most proud of and one that was the most difficult to obtain?

I think I’m most proud of my pre-DLC 1000GP of Skyrim because it was my first close out. I wasn’t always interested in mass amounts of achievements. I liked to play through games and that was it. I was really close with Assassin’s Creed (1) but I had beat it on 3 different accounts before I got to mine and just wasn’t in the mood anymore. The most difficult I’d have to say, without a doubt, was Borderlands because of the Robolution DLC where you have to collect an unnecessary amount of ultra-rare drops. It took me 6 straight hours of farming for just ONE of the three achievements for it. It was such a pain in the ass haha, but I showed those ‘chievos who’s boss..

I've also noticed you play alot of shooters like Borderlands 2 and Halo 4 and at the same time bring up certain accessories for your controllers and what not. Would you care to share what you're currently using and how they help your gaming? 

That’s right, I’m a long time FPS enthusiast. I started playing them back around Halo and CS on original Xbox. A lot has changed, including “high performance accessories” for your controller. I was super skeptical because it sounds like a scam, I know, but I could not go back to a normal controller after what I’ve got now. Currently I’m using Grip iTs and Kontrol Freeks (one on each analog stick) Basically Kontrol Freeks are made to improve your accuracy by allowing you to move your analog stick beyond where your controller hinders it. Grip iTs improve the grip which overall improves your control. I’ve also got a pair of Squid Grips on my controller which changes the ergonomics of your paddle to not only be more comfortable, but it absorbs the moisture from your palms which is a big annoyance during long gaming marathons and serious situations.

Back to the clan a bit, you ladies have members from the United States, Canada, and even England. Do you ever get the chance to meet up say, annually or is it strictly an online type of family?

I know that last year (before I joined) most of the clan and our brother clan met up at PAX East, and a few even went to PAX Prime, as well as a few MLG events previous to that. This year we’re hoping to again meet up at PAX East, but I’m not sure about our overseas friends. Travel is so expensive these days, it’d be a serious investment for some of them.

I really dug your Borderlands 2 videos and found others on your YouTube channel informative and well-thought out. Are there plans to bring back some videos or is it a thing that happens in spurts between major releases?

I’m actually a seriously lazy YouTuber. I put out a video every few months but mainly it’s for the informational demographic and not just to do something everyone has done a hundred times. So if I find that there are 30 videos on how to do something, I’ll just leave that alone and keep moving on until I find something worth making. It’s the same idea with my commentaries too. I try to keep my personal life separate so that doesn’t leave me a lot to blabber about for 8+ minutes per video. (Honestly though, I’m really just too lazy to do more stuff more often haha)

I'd be remiss in not mentioning the fantastic job you did with the Harley Quinn makeup tutorial. Not that I'd give it a whirl myself but if there was an L2D4 contest with those tutorials some of you did, I'd personally say you won, rad music and all. Do you have any experience in those types of things? i.e. theater, plays, etc?

Surprisingly, no. I originally wasn’t going to do a make-up video but I had been obsessively watching my boyfriend play Arkham City and I’ve always been a Harley fan. Luckily she’s pretty easy as far as difficulty goes. She’s more tedious than anything. The music is Elena Siegman’s AbraCadavre which was a killer easter egg in Black Ops zombies. It really set the mood sometimes and I thought it was a perfect fit for Harley.

What does She Devil do when she isn't destroying gamer egos and getting a kill per calorie I take in for the day? What are your other intrests and hobbies?

Haha, this is pretty awkward but I’m a big fan of girly…ness? I’ve always been a tomboy so the more I age the more I wish I could do things that take patience and finesse. I love DIY crafts and baking. Boy I love baking. Other than that though, I really just like to game. If I’m not working I prefer to game game game. I make time for my little vices like reading and pounding pots of coffee but ultimately I’m a hermit and not very exciting in my personal life.

Lastly, what advice would you give to any other gamers out there and is there anything you'd like to plug or advertise?

If I had to give another gamer advice I’d just say broaden your horizons to as many games as possible. Enjoy the vast worlds before you and don’t limit yourself to one franchise. You’ll be missing out on so much!
As far as plugs, obviously head over to the Ladies 2 Die 4 Fan Page and give us a like. We need all the support we can get! Check out my YT if you’re bored (links below) and just a big thank you to all of our sponsors for making our gaming experience great! (GripIts, Mionix, InToro Skins, Acoustic PC, CompuExpert Direct, Sharkoon, Zalman, GoGamer.com, Rage Gage, Nobis, Brand Computers, and Gathering Gamers)

Huge thanks to She Devil for participating and giving one tremendous interview that if anything, shows that I made the right choice when she was the one I asked for the interview. Insightful, entertaining, funny, and most of all approachable, She Devil and the rest of the L2D4 are very real, very passionate gamers and if you get your feelings hurt by being destroyed by these ladies in a game out there, don't be a jerk, appreciate the time and skill they have and cut the gender specific crap. Male or female, female or male, L2D4 is for real.

Yup, she's female. She's a gamer. And she can KICK. YOUR. ASS. 

Ladies 2 Die 4 Fan Page

She Devil's Youtube Channel